You know you are African when.......

              

As a little girl I always wished I was born in America( don't pretend you don't know what i'm talking about). Americans just seemed advanced in everything, cooler and like they have it together man...But as I grew older, I came to embrace being an African, I lovez being an African(Props if you read that in a colored accent-you are truly African or maybe just South African...wait..even Namibian..or just African)

You know you are African If:

1.

 You are always late for everything and you act like its a cultural expression.

2.

 You have been deceived by the contents of these containers.

3.

If you are working well or doing well financially, this is what your family and relatives see when you go to family gatherings. pretty sure Emmanuel Adebayor can Amen to this!

 

 

4.                                                                                                                                                      

 

You have ever been in a taxi(Certified to carry only 15 people including the driver) with 22 other passengers.

5.

 

your mother has a minor disagreement with her sister and does not talk to her for 10 years. (only time heals the different opinions in Africa)

 

 

6.                                                                                                                                                       

This is used for sweeping the yard but every now and then it could be used as an alternative for toothpicks.

 

 

7.                                                                                                                                                     

 

Your parents are always right. if science says "The sky is blue" and your parents think The sky is red, then the sky is definitely RED. Don't question it, otherwise they will go all Solange Knowles on you.

 

8.                                                                                                                                                        

"you have a what..?" nothing says African than your parents discouraging you to date in your teens or 20s, but as soon as you hit 30s they criticize or put pressure on you for not having found a life partner.

9.

 

Some African people wanna pretend that giving a child a hiding is child abuse, NO, its discipline. If you cry after getting a hiding, your African parents will hit you again to discipline you for crying. oh, I love Africa.

 

 10.

Why buy a scrubber from Woolies when an Orange mesh bag is at your disposal?

we don't throw this away. it starts in the kitchen and ends in the bathroom.

11.

 

Church lasts for more than 4 hours. Program goes like:  Opening "Worship" songs an hour, The welcoming of guests and people who have returned from the cities, Preaching for offering, Offering, Worship songs to welcome the pastor to the pulpit, Pastor does a solo for 30 minutes, Pastor preaches for 10 minutes and talks about his wife, kids and dog for the remaining 2 hours of the sermon. Pastor takes another offering for building funds and his new Boeing needed for "Ministry". Pastor prays for those who gave n offering. Pastor encourages people to pledge towards the church. Announcements. Last 4 "worship" songs(as the spirit leads-can last up to 40 minutes). CLOSING

 

 

 12.

VASELINE is a multipurpose tool....you can use Vaseline for anything, and I mean anything. Perks of growing up in such society.

13.

There are only 4 advisable career options according to your community. its either you are an Engineer, a Medical doctor, a Lawyer or a disgrace to the family.

 

 

 

 14.

You think of  Osita Iheme and Chinedu Ikedieze  Instead of  ↑  when someone says they saw "2 rats"

Ok..here is a picture of the real rats!

 

 

15.                                                                                                                                                          

BABY TREVOR

 

If as a child the phrase " wait till your dad comes home"  put your behavior in line.

 

 

 

 16.

 

You refer to Rice served with Carrots, Meat, potato, beetroots, greens, etc. as "7 Colors".

Most  South Africans would know what i'm talking about yeah?

 

 

 

17.                                                                                                                                            

 

Your wanted to follow your dream to become a soccer player but your parents  discouraged you with a "Ni dola yeyo bola"("you will eat soccer") mock.

 

18.  Africans will know that making a clicking sound with your tongue to mock someone is more vulgar than any other words in any language.

 

19. And lastly. you know you are an African if you were able to identify with 10 of the above.

 

 

Happy Africa Week and

#sayNOtoXenophobia 

Love thy neighbor as thyself{Mark 12:31}

 

                                                                                                                                

 

Liar Liar Liar: 19 ridiculous lies movies tell

 1. The Lie: you can date your Best friend 's X  and still be friends with both of them with no tension.

The Truth: If you date your friend's ex you are probably going to lose one or both of them. The awkwardness that comes with dating your friend's ex is inevitable.

 2. The Lie: If someone irritates you while on a date you can simply storm out of the restaurant leaving a plate full of untouched food or dessert

The Truth: Who would be that crazy to leave a plate full of food? And chances are high that one of them came with a lift, hunger or with no money. Movies make it seem so easy to walk out on someone.

 3. The Lie: You can go to the Airport last minute and stop a plane from flying off with the love of your life

The Truth: No matter how romantic your intentions are the airport security will have 10 men take you down before you even pass the booking counters. 

4. The Lie: Pressing 5 buttons on a Computer should allow you to copy the owner's darkest secrets into a flash drive/USB in less than 10 seconds right? 

The truth: No, Steve Jobs would probably laugh at you. Who keeps their secrets in a computer anyways?If and When they do, wouldn't they make sure they don't leave the Computer accessible to anyone? Lets not even get started on Hacking, its a complicated process, you can't just press random characters on your keyboard to hack into SAPS server to delete someone's criminal record using your PC, that is why there are IT people, looking forward to the day i see them on TV for real.

5. The lie: The proposal. Women love spectacularly odd displays of affection. You can stand in front of a restaurant full of customers and declare your undying love for a waitress, Manager or another customer, usually with a good response from the other person. After that, everyone applauds.

The truth: At best she dumps you.

At worst, showing up her doorstep with a collection of grossly inappropriate cue cards lands you with a restraining order.

6. The lie: Your make up is on point, your hair is not messy and your breath doesn't stink in the morning. 

The truth: If you sleep with makeup on you wake up looking like a Drag queen, your hair makes you look like a Porcupine and your breath smells like a there is a dead cat in your mouth. 

7. The Lie: Anyone can afford to wear a new outfit everyday.                                                                                         

The truth: Characters hardly ever repeat clothes. Television makes it seem like its easy to shop for and afford a new outfit for every single occasion while everyone in real life lives by the "Same outfit, going to a different place-No one will know i wore this yesterday" motto.

8. The lie: Waking up in the morning is easy.                                                                                 

The truth: Although Movies might try to make waking up in the morning look Jolly and Happy, everyone else in real-life goes through 5 stages before coming out of their deep slumber. [Stage 1: Denial-" I still have much time to sleep".

 Stage 2: Anger- "Why did i sleep so late anyways?". 

Stage 3: Bargaining- "Just 5 more minutes,i'll have to take them out of breakfast time". 

Stage 4: Depression- "Now i won't be able to wear my hair nice today, i'm late". 

Stage 5: Acceptance-"I'm black/a woman anyways"(Yepp, Black people and women are always late and we try to act like its a cultural expression) 

9. The Lie: When you hear a strange noise in the basement, its time to go and check it out.          

The truth: No, look for the closest possible exit and run! 

10.  The Lie: When you are in danger  your phone suddenly looses signal                                                

The truth: This is an astounding coincidence. Which means 10 111 is not necessary then, i mean why would we have Police numbers if we can't use them when its necessary?

11. The Lie: Love at first sight is true love                                                                                               

The truth: Love at first sight doesn't always have a good ending, and chances are if a girl finds out you are a vampire, witch or  werewolf she is not gonna wanna be with you forever... and if a guy finds out you are a mermaid or death bringer he is not gonna wanna marry you. 

12. The lie: The Killer/Ghost suddenly appears behind you when you close your bathroom mirror cabinet.                                 

The truth: This one doesn't even need  explaining, its just plain ridiculous!

13. The lie: University is ONLY fun and games                                                                                                     

The truth: it only seems to appear in Movies or just American movies. i don't remember partying and playing all the time then acing my exams/assignments during the 4 years  in tertiary, i do however remember Having a mental breakdown, getting ulcers, loosing sleep and wanting to go home because of a heavy workload. All work and No play!

14. The lie: All nerds and geeks are beautiful after a makeover                                                               

The truth: No, people don't look 9 times hotter after taking off their glasses (why would they even take them off, glasses are quite cute)

15. The lie: No disguise is more effective than slipping into a floral dress and a wig.                                         

The truth: Movies might make it look like once you are dressed as a woman, black people can pass for White people, adult males can pass for teenagers and fathers can trick their children into loving them. In real life if you know what an Adam's apple looks like, spotting a man in a dress shouldn't be too hard

16. The lie: Being caught in the rain is pleasurable. There is nothing like getting soaked to the skin to make you feel 'alive', Whether you are sharing a passionate kiss, performing a song or dance, no pleasure is too intense that it can't be enhanced by a spot of drizzle. 

                                                                                WRONG!   

The truth: Rain is miserable, if you get caught in it chances are you won't enjoy it. maybe only the mentally  deranged would. jokes. 

17. The lie: All Bombs are always equipped with a handy digital clock. its common courtesy!                                                 

The truth: Not all bombs are time-bombs, they require manual trigger by the bomber either in person or remotely. Other forms include trigger by heat, movement. Its a bit unrealistic that a terrorist would  wait to count down from 60 to bomb a place, most just do it!

18. The lie: You can survive a massive fall from a skyscraper or airplane  provided that you land on a water body. 

The truth: The law of physics still apply. Unless you are Van Damme, Chuck Norris or  Arnold Schwarzenegger, without a parachute you are dead. simple as that. 

19. The Lie: Surprising news makes you clumsy. Coincidentally bad news is 76,8%  more likely to arrive if you are carrying an expensive piece of glassware.                                                                                    

The truth: Receiving bad news doesn't automatically cause you to drop whatever it is that you are holding. 

15 Most annoying phrases

1. "Are you on your period?"

Guys please, just because a girl is angry doesn't mean she is on her period, because if thats the case when you are sleeping she has the right to assume you are dead and bury you in the backyard.

2. "You are so black"

I hate this expression! Whenever a black person doesn't know how to hold fork&knife, how to play a guitar, how to swim, or know something common, they are often condemned with the expression "you're so black" because black is associated with being less intelligent?

 

3. "If its meant to be, its meant to be"                                                                                                      

                          

                                                                     

If fact #1 is true, then fact #1 is true. This falls under the "YOU ACTUALLY JUST SAID NOTHING" category

 

4. "I wanna talk to you"                                                                                                                            

This a 5-word sentence but it can make you think of every bad thing that you have ever done in your life. It becomes even more annoying when you realize the person only wanted to borrow money or return a calculator. dang! You made me anxious for nothing.

 

5. "Be like"                                                                                                                                          

 

When did we replace "Said" with "Be like"? Well done internet, i'm not worried about the legacy  we are leaving our children. well done.

 

6. "Just sayin"                                                                                                                                         

Oh, how Enlightening. Thank you for clarifying that the thing you just said is the thing you are saying. very appreciated.

 

7. "Think outside the box"                                                                                                                   

                                                

                                                                             Where is this box that managers, lecturers and strategic planners keep talking about? i am surely missing something here.

8. " With all due respect"
                                                     

 

Almost always coupled with an insult or unwelcomed advice, this phrase is the smart way to say, "prepare to be disrespected but you  are not get angry or to take it personally although it is obviously personal" e.g "With all due respect, i cheated on you" "with all due respect, you are fired" "with all due respect, i am not attracted to humans anymore"

9. "Bosso Ke mang?"
                               

This one owes its existence to South African Sotho and Tswana people. The term "Bosso ke mang" loosely translates "Who is the boss?" but before you scratch your head trying to come up with an answer, its actually a rhetoric question. The phrase is mostly used as a caption on pictures e.g Graduation pictures, First car, first house, first wedding ring, etc. Strangely, the people who use this phrase have never owned and managed a company, never finished University( struggling with 2 major modules for the last 5 years) but they have the decency to ask "bosso ke mang?"

10. "Ke december boss"
                                       

Also coined by the Sotho people of South Africa(They are the ones ruining local internet)... Thanks for the revelation guys. I thought we were still in July hey. Incase there is anyone using the viking calendar, the year is 2015, December.

 

11. "I , Myself, personally"                                                                                                                       

                                          

Thanks for speaking on behalf of your other 2 dopplegangers. when a person uses this expression all i hear is "I, I, I" it sounds like a broken record

 

12. "you know"                                                                                                                                    

No i do not know what goes in that sick twisted mind of yours. This is one confusing expression, is it a question or a statement?

 

13. "Literally"                                                                                                                                       

Should mean "figuratively". Because It makes so much sense to "literally explode" or "literally die" right? .....Come on internet, we are better than this.

 

14. "That's gay!"                                                                                                                                      

Lets not give homosexuals that much credit, they don't deserve it. not every nice, interesting or bogus thing is gay. You can try saying that is "weak" "stupid" or "too flamboyant"

 

15. YOLO                                                                                                                                              

This is by far the dumbest expression i have everheard. it is mostly used as an excuse for doing something selfish, irresponsible or stupid. it wins the trophy!

Before you speak or act foolish, remember YODO(You Only Die Once) too, and before Drake told you to seize the moment, did you think you lived twice?