You know you are African when.......

              

As a little girl I always wished I was born in America( don't pretend you don't know what i'm talking about). Americans just seemed advanced in everything, cooler and like they have it together man...But as I grew older, I came to embrace being an African, I lovez being an African(Props if you read that in a colored accent-you are truly African or maybe just South African...wait..even Namibian..or just African)

You know you are African If:

1.

 You are always late for everything and you act like its a cultural expression.

2.

 You have been deceived by the contents of these containers.

3.

If you are working well or doing well financially, this is what your family and relatives see when you go to family gatherings. pretty sure Emmanuel Adebayor can Amen to this!

 

 

4.                                                                                                                                                      

 

You have ever been in a taxi(Certified to carry only 15 people including the driver) with 22 other passengers.

5.

 

your mother has a minor disagreement with her sister and does not talk to her for 10 years. (only time heals the different opinions in Africa)

 

 

6.                                                                                                                                                       

This is used for sweeping the yard but every now and then it could be used as an alternative for toothpicks.

 

 

7.                                                                                                                                                     

 

Your parents are always right. if science says "The sky is blue" and your parents think The sky is red, then the sky is definitely RED. Don't question it, otherwise they will go all Solange Knowles on you.

 

8.                                                                                                                                                        

"you have a what..?" nothing says African than your parents discouraging you to date in your teens or 20s, but as soon as you hit 30s they criticize or put pressure on you for not having found a life partner.

9.

 

Some African people wanna pretend that giving a child a hiding is child abuse, NO, its discipline. If you cry after getting a hiding, your African parents will hit you again to discipline you for crying. oh, I love Africa.

 

 10.

Why buy a scrubber from Woolies when an Orange mesh bag is at your disposal?

we don't throw this away. it starts in the kitchen and ends in the bathroom.

11.

 

Church lasts for more than 4 hours. Program goes like:  Opening "Worship" songs an hour, The welcoming of guests and people who have returned from the cities, Preaching for offering, Offering, Worship songs to welcome the pastor to the pulpit, Pastor does a solo for 30 minutes, Pastor preaches for 10 minutes and talks about his wife, kids and dog for the remaining 2 hours of the sermon. Pastor takes another offering for building funds and his new Boeing needed for "Ministry". Pastor prays for those who gave n offering. Pastor encourages people to pledge towards the church. Announcements. Last 4 "worship" songs(as the spirit leads-can last up to 40 minutes). CLOSING

 

 

 12.

VASELINE is a multipurpose tool....you can use Vaseline for anything, and I mean anything. Perks of growing up in such society.

13.

There are only 4 advisable career options according to your community. its either you are an Engineer, a Medical doctor, a Lawyer or a disgrace to the family.

 

 

 

 14.

You think of  Osita Iheme and Chinedu Ikedieze  Instead of  ↑  when someone says they saw "2 rats"

Ok..here is a picture of the real rats!

 

 

15.                                                                                                                                                          

BABY TREVOR

 

If as a child the phrase " wait till your dad comes home"  put your behavior in line.

 

 

 

 16.

 

You refer to Rice served with Carrots, Meat, potato, beetroots, greens, etc. as "7 Colors".

Most  South Africans would know what i'm talking about yeah?

 

 

 

17.                                                                                                                                            

 

Your wanted to follow your dream to become a soccer player but your parents  discouraged you with a "Ni dola yeyo bola"("you will eat soccer") mock.

 

18.  Africans will know that making a clicking sound with your tongue to mock someone is more vulgar than any other words in any language.

 

19. And lastly. you know you are an African if you were able to identify with 10 of the above.

 

 

Happy Africa Week and

#sayNOtoXenophobia 

Love thy neighbor as thyself{Mark 12:31}

 

                                                                                                                                

 

Liar Liar Liar: 19 ridiculous lies movies tell

 1. The Lie: you can date your Best friend 's X  and still be friends with both of them with no tension.

The Truth: If you date your friend's ex you are probably going to lose one or both of them. The awkwardness that comes with dating your friend's ex is inevitable.

 2. The Lie: If someone irritates you while on a date you can simply storm out of the restaurant leaving a plate full of untouched food or dessert

The Truth: Who would be that crazy to leave a plate full of food? And chances are high that one of them came with a lift, hunger or with no money. Movies make it seem so easy to walk out on someone.

 3. The Lie: You can go to the Airport last minute and stop a plane from flying off with the love of your life

The Truth: No matter how romantic your intentions are the airport security will have 10 men take you down before you even pass the booking counters. 

4. The Lie: Pressing 5 buttons on a Computer should allow you to copy the owner's darkest secrets into a flash drive/USB in less than 10 seconds right? 

The truth: No, Steve Jobs would probably laugh at you. Who keeps their secrets in a computer anyways?If and When they do, wouldn't they make sure they don't leave the Computer accessible to anyone? Lets not even get started on Hacking, its a complicated process, you can't just press random characters on your keyboard to hack into SAPS server to delete someone's criminal record using your PC, that is why there are IT people, looking forward to the day i see them on TV for real.

5. The lie: The proposal. Women love spectacularly odd displays of affection. You can stand in front of a restaurant full of customers and declare your undying love for a waitress, Manager or another customer, usually with a good response from the other person. After that, everyone applauds.

The truth: At best she dumps you.

At worst, showing up her doorstep with a collection of grossly inappropriate cue cards lands you with a restraining order.

6. The lie: Your make up is on point, your hair is not messy and your breath doesn't stink in the morning. 

The truth: If you sleep with makeup on you wake up looking like a Drag queen, your hair makes you look like a Porcupine and your breath smells like a there is a dead cat in your mouth. 

7. The Lie: Anyone can afford to wear a new outfit everyday.                                                                                         

The truth: Characters hardly ever repeat clothes. Television makes it seem like its easy to shop for and afford a new outfit for every single occasion while everyone in real life lives by the "Same outfit, going to a different place-No one will know i wore this yesterday" motto.

8. The lie: Waking up in the morning is easy.                                                                                 

The truth: Although Movies might try to make waking up in the morning look Jolly and Happy, everyone else in real-life goes through 5 stages before coming out of their deep slumber. [Stage 1: Denial-" I still have much time to sleep".

 Stage 2: Anger- "Why did i sleep so late anyways?". 

Stage 3: Bargaining- "Just 5 more minutes,i'll have to take them out of breakfast time". 

Stage 4: Depression- "Now i won't be able to wear my hair nice today, i'm late". 

Stage 5: Acceptance-"I'm black/a woman anyways"(Yepp, Black people and women are always late and we try to act like its a cultural expression) 

9. The Lie: When you hear a strange noise in the basement, its time to go and check it out.          

The truth: No, look for the closest possible exit and run! 

10.  The Lie: When you are in danger  your phone suddenly looses signal                                                

The truth: This is an astounding coincidence. Which means 10 111 is not necessary then, i mean why would we have Police numbers if we can't use them when its necessary?

11. The Lie: Love at first sight is true love                                                                                               

The truth: Love at first sight doesn't always have a good ending, and chances are if a girl finds out you are a vampire, witch or  werewolf she is not gonna wanna be with you forever... and if a guy finds out you are a mermaid or death bringer he is not gonna wanna marry you. 

12. The lie: The Killer/Ghost suddenly appears behind you when you close your bathroom mirror cabinet.                                 

The truth: This one doesn't even need  explaining, its just plain ridiculous!

13. The lie: University is ONLY fun and games                                                                                                     

The truth: it only seems to appear in Movies or just American movies. i don't remember partying and playing all the time then acing my exams/assignments during the 4 years  in tertiary, i do however remember Having a mental breakdown, getting ulcers, loosing sleep and wanting to go home because of a heavy workload. All work and No play!

14. The lie: All nerds and geeks are beautiful after a makeover                                                               

The truth: No, people don't look 9 times hotter after taking off their glasses (why would they even take them off, glasses are quite cute)

15. The lie: No disguise is more effective than slipping into a floral dress and a wig.                                         

The truth: Movies might make it look like once you are dressed as a woman, black people can pass for White people, adult males can pass for teenagers and fathers can trick their children into loving them. In real life if you know what an Adam's apple looks like, spotting a man in a dress shouldn't be too hard

16. The lie: Being caught in the rain is pleasurable. There is nothing like getting soaked to the skin to make you feel 'alive', Whether you are sharing a passionate kiss, performing a song or dance, no pleasure is too intense that it can't be enhanced by a spot of drizzle. 

                                                                                WRONG!   

The truth: Rain is miserable, if you get caught in it chances are you won't enjoy it. maybe only the mentally  deranged would. jokes. 

17. The lie: All Bombs are always equipped with a handy digital clock. its common courtesy!                                                 

The truth: Not all bombs are time-bombs, they require manual trigger by the bomber either in person or remotely. Other forms include trigger by heat, movement. Its a bit unrealistic that a terrorist would  wait to count down from 60 to bomb a place, most just do it!

18. The lie: You can survive a massive fall from a skyscraper or airplane  provided that you land on a water body. 

The truth: The law of physics still apply. Unless you are Van Damme, Chuck Norris or  Arnold Schwarzenegger, without a parachute you are dead. simple as that. 

19. The Lie: Surprising news makes you clumsy. Coincidentally bad news is 76,8%  more likely to arrive if you are carrying an expensive piece of glassware.                                                                                    

The truth: Receiving bad news doesn't automatically cause you to drop whatever it is that you are holding. 

15 Most annoying phrases

1. "Are you on your period?"

Guys please, just because a girl is angry doesn't mean she is on her period, because if thats the case when you are sleeping she has the right to assume you are dead and bury you in the backyard.

2. "You are so black"

I hate this expression! Whenever a black person doesn't know how to hold fork&knife, how to play a guitar, how to swim, or know something common, they are often condemned with the expression "you're so black" because black is associated with being less intelligent?

 

3. "If its meant to be, its meant to be"                                                                                                      

                          

                                                                     

If fact #1 is true, then fact #1 is true. This falls under the "YOU ACTUALLY JUST SAID NOTHING" category

 

4. "I wanna talk to you"                                                                                                                            

This a 5-word sentence but it can make you think of every bad thing that you have ever done in your life. It becomes even more annoying when you realize the person only wanted to borrow money or return a calculator. dang! You made me anxious for nothing.

 

5. "Be like"                                                                                                                                          

 

When did we replace "Said" with "Be like"? Well done internet, i'm not worried about the legacy  we are leaving our children. well done.

 

6. "Just sayin"                                                                                                                                         

Oh, how Enlightening. Thank you for clarifying that the thing you just said is the thing you are saying. very appreciated.

 

7. "Think outside the box"                                                                                                                   

                                                

                                                                             Where is this box that managers, lecturers and strategic planners keep talking about? i am surely missing something here.

8. " With all due respect"
                                                     

 

Almost always coupled with an insult or unwelcomed advice, this phrase is the smart way to say, "prepare to be disrespected but you  are not get angry or to take it personally although it is obviously personal" e.g "With all due respect, i cheated on you" "with all due respect, you are fired" "with all due respect, i am not attracted to humans anymore"

9. "Bosso Ke mang?"
                               

This one owes its existence to South African Sotho and Tswana people. The term "Bosso ke mang" loosely translates "Who is the boss?" but before you scratch your head trying to come up with an answer, its actually a rhetoric question. The phrase is mostly used as a caption on pictures e.g Graduation pictures, First car, first house, first wedding ring, etc. Strangely, the people who use this phrase have never owned and managed a company, never finished University( struggling with 2 major modules for the last 5 years) but they have the decency to ask "bosso ke mang?"

10. "Ke december boss"
                                       

Also coined by the Sotho people of South Africa(They are the ones ruining local internet)... Thanks for the revelation guys. I thought we were still in July hey. Incase there is anyone using the viking calendar, the year is 2015, December.

 

11. "I , Myself, personally"                                                                                                                       

                                          

Thanks for speaking on behalf of your other 2 dopplegangers. when a person uses this expression all i hear is "I, I, I" it sounds like a broken record

 

12. "you know"                                                                                                                                    

No i do not know what goes in that sick twisted mind of yours. This is one confusing expression, is it a question or a statement?

 

13. "Literally"                                                                                                                                       

Should mean "figuratively". Because It makes so much sense to "literally explode" or "literally die" right? .....Come on internet, we are better than this.

 

14. "That's gay!"                                                                                                                                      

Lets not give homosexuals that much credit, they don't deserve it. not every nice, interesting or bogus thing is gay. You can try saying that is "weak" "stupid" or "too flamboyant"

 

15. YOLO                                                                                                                                              

This is by far the dumbest expression i have everheard. it is mostly used as an excuse for doing something selfish, irresponsible or stupid. it wins the trophy!

Before you speak or act foolish, remember YODO(You Only Die Once) too, and before Drake told you to seize the moment, did you think you lived twice?

 

 

 

 

 

                                                                                                                  

10 Television shows that have overstayed their welcome

Some of these shows used to be my favourite. Some of these are the best in the history of Television. But lets face it, at some point, even the most creative writers/directors run out of creativity. here are 10 shows that seriously need to take a hike. there are a lot more but lets just keep it at 10...[Word to those who are still hooked: MOVE ON!]

1. Generations 

One of the most viewed tv shows in South Africa, the hit show made its debut in 1994. with all the drama, diverse characters and almost impossible story-lines, Generations managed to keep its audience hooked from day 1. who can forget Archie Moroka, the ruthless Ngamla, the formidable Karabo Moroka, Tau faking his death, Noluntu Memela spiking her mother's tea? many talented actors have acquired great recognition through this TV show but its grown dull, the story lines became predictable. I wish during these few weeks that the show is off air Mfundi Vundla could announce the show is going for good..but oh well..

2. The Vampire Diaries

At some point The vampire Diaries used to be my favourite show. I wanted to be a vampire too..(just kidding) but it was a great show. it started off simply with humans(and  doppelgangers ), witches, werewolves and  vampires. Then the story lines got complicated and Predictable, Elena is always whining, they added Travelers, hybrids, the brotherhood of the five, ghosts, Vampire hunters, and most  unacceptable thing they did:  Caroline and Klaus fathom was left disappointed at the end of season 4-5. Thank you for nothing Julie Plec, you can kiss my laptop screen!

3. Days of our lives 

I don't need to spend too much time explaining why this one needs to bid our TV screens farewell. This soapie has been on air since my grandmother was in kindergarten, ok exaggeration, its been on since 1965, Yesterday (November 08, 2014) Days of Our lives celebrated its 49 year anniversary (12 460 episodes). Its time Bo&Hope bid our tv screens goodbye

4. The Bold and The Beautiful

This should have been the first one on the list  This show needs help. No good characters, no storyline, no character development, no character integrity, no storyline consistency with history of the show, simply lazy writing. Same triangle nonsense with same scene day in day out. Story line story line where art thou?? Be it a beginning, be it a middle, even an end. Storyline you are missed, there is chaos, despair and a whole lot of mess. Oh storyline please don't hide, storyline where art thou, please come out and shine. i am sick and tired of a show with immortal characters, ok they are not immortal but  Ridge Forrester and Brooke Logan haven't aged a day since this show made its debut in 1987.  I'm sick of their perfect faces.

5. Two and a half men

Lets be honest for a second: the humor of this show lived and died with Charlie Sheen, worst mistake firing him and replacing him with Ashton Kutcher ( don't get me wrong, he is good to look at but..), he is not a Charlie.. #bringbackourCharlie until then, goodbye two and a half wannabees..

6.  The Big Bang Theory

A little brother to Two and a Half men, this show was produced by the same guy who created  #5. well done Chuck Lorre for keeping us glued to our tv screens for years, but I am typing this one with tears in my eyes. how can something so good become this dull? for the first time in years i yawned and slumbered while watching an episode of The big bang theory. i remember i could watch the same episode 5 times and still find every joke funny. now i'm just like "Meh"...Sheldon is the best comic relief in the history of situation comedy but the entire show'storyline has been rather disappointing for the past 2 years, Sheldon getting a girlfriend, Howard getting married, Raj learning how to speak to women and Leonard getting engaged to Penny..big mistakes....Bye.

7. Girls                                                                                                                                                    

This is probably one of the worst shows on Television. I thought it was going to be addressing issues facing modern day girls, instead its a show with a lazy plot, excessive nudity(Game of Thrones need to leave too for this reason...don't kill me GOT fans), incoherent subplots and a talent-less cast, combination for boredom! I am still shocked the show is returning for its 4th season in 2015,I'll wait for your downfall "girls"..i'll wait..

8. 2 Broke girls                                                                                                                                     

Ok maybe  we girls just need to stop being on Tv..i don't know..but whatever it is, 2 broke girls need to go...i loved Max and Caroline's witty personalities, but one can only laugh so much....we know the girls are  gonna be broke till the show ends(thanks for naming it '2 broke girls') and the jokes are not as funny...

9. Under the dome                                                                                                                               

This is the most annoying on the list...i wanted to gouge my eyes out after watching one episode.... for those who haven't watched this show; DON'T ATTEMPT. "Under the Dome tells the story of the residents of the small town of Chester's Mill, where a massive, transparent, indestructible dome suddenly cuts them off from the rest of the world. With no Internet access, no mobile signals and limited radio communication, the people trapped inside must find their own ways to survive with diminishing resources and rising tensions. While military forces, the government, and the media positioned outside of this surrounding barrier attempt to break it down, a small group of people inside attempt to figure out what the dome is, where it came from, and when (and if) it will go away"(Wikipedia)

  

                      the moment that made the show was a cow splitting in half after being hit by a dome(pilot episode- first 10 minutes).....aaaaaaaaaaand THAT WAS IT!..

10. Grey's anatomy                                                                                                                        

my view on this one is still pending, i'm not saying this is a bad show, but letting Christina Yang (Sandra Oh) go was the worst mistake they ever made, sure i was mad when they killed off George O'Malley, let Preston Burke go and brought Alex Karev an annoying girlfriend, but letting Yang go is beyond forgivable. i'll still watch with the hope that Yang will come back.... #BringBackYang 

20 Things i learnt in Varsity

                             20 Things I learnt in Varsity

-Google is a better teacher than your lecturer




-A 15 paged assignment can be started and finished 5 hours before it is due




-Chick flicks lied; the nerd doesn’t get the famous girl, the geek girl doesn’t take off her specs and become 10x hotter than previously thought




-2am is the new 10pm




-A day in a life of student means snoozing the alarm, getting late for class, complaining in class about being tired after doing nothing all day, procrastinating assignments and process repeated




-Exhaustion and Hunger are not bodily sensations anymore, they are personality traits. Everyone is always tired and hungry for some reason




-Signing the register is more important than the lecture itself




-You can actually sign the register in absentia- what are other students there for anyways?




-Noodles are a staple diet: Every student is familiar with the 6 different Noodles flavours(which all taste like poverty and tears of small children)




-The first 5 years of a 3-years degree are the hardest




-Nobody cares about your high school past(if you were smart, talented or won an Oscar then,

good for you)




-The high school dumbs or retards somehow become smart and hardworking




-The high school innocent or brainies become drunkards or dropouts




-The game has changed, there is a high level of Series binging than binge drinking-students are not “one episode per week” kind of a people, we are the “one season per day” kind




-No one gives attention to flashy things anymore, there is no better way to say “I should still be in high school or I’m going through puberty” than wearing a pair of Levi’s jeans with a Nike shirt (visible tick) and Addidas tekkies, yack!




-A shady Res or House with uncapped Wi-Fi is more desirable than one with armed security guards




-Wi-Fi is a basic need, more important than food and Bacon..




-A laptop is a student card, if you don’t have one how are you registered as a student, how are you going to series binge and access unlimited Wi-Fi? Oh and Assignments (not so much, well..)




-Students are ignorant and stereotypical! If you are studying If you are studying Media like me, every person who isn’t doing Media will ask you if you are going to be on Generations(I don’t do drama and performing arts so NO!) and if you are from Venda you will definitely be asked if you know Vhafuwi (Azwinndini on Muvhango)




- you will miss home like mad! WRONG! You will not miss home as much as you think. Actually, your family will not miss you as much as you think. The week leading up to me starting Varsity was filled with tears and hugs from family members, promises to keep contact. Uhmm ya, you will enjoy varsity to a point you don’t want to go home ever again and when you do, your family would have developed a psychological disposition that doesn’t include you, you will watch them do stuff and go places without you.